


Such Relieving Words

by apolesen



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Coming Out, Could be read as pre-Jake/Nog, Father-Son Relationship, Gay Character, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 23:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17672162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apolesen/pseuds/apolesen
Summary: Jake had the urge to flee again. His knees felt weak and his stomach hurt suddenly. He needed some excuse to get out of here. At the same time, he needed to do this now. It had waited too long.‘Can I talk to you?’ he asked. ‘In private.’





	Such Relieving Words

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the poem "Closeted: The Same Parts" by Denny Quinteros. Thanks to illogicalbroccoli for betaing.

Jake’s feet were starting to ache from all the walking. This was his third lap around the promenade, and people were giving him odd looks. Ahead of him, he could see the neon rod of Asclepius looming. He crossed the promenade to the inner side, like he had the two other times. On the first go he had not even managed to stop. The second, he had paused only for a few seconds before picking up his pace again. He did not want to lose his nerve a third time. 

He was almost at the infirmary entrance now. It would be easy to just pass by it. He could go back to his quarters, or go see if he could spot the wormhole opening for ships. But some part of him was tired of waiting. This time, he did not stop. Without breaking stride, he stepped inside.

The infirmary was almost empty. Only Doctor Bashir and one of the Bajoran nurses was there. 

‘Hello, Jake,’ Bashir said cheerily, getting up. ‘What can I do for you?’ 

Now, facing him, Jake had the urge to flee again. His knees felt weak and his stomach hurt suddenly. He needed some excuse to get out of here. At the same time, he needed to do this now. It had waited too long. 

‘Can I talk to you?’ he asked, all too aware of the wide-open doors behind him. ‘In private.’ 

‘Of course,’ the doctor said, showing no surprise or curiosity, just smiling. ‘Come through.’ 

Jake followed him into one of the exam rooms. 

‘Sit down, make yourself comfortable,’ Dr Bashir said as he closed the door. Jake sat down on a chair, crossed his legs, uncrossed them. Folded his hands and let them go. 

Bashir sat down opposite him. 

‘So, Jake. What’s on your mind?’ 

Jake’s mouth felt very dry. He formed the sentence in his head, but it was like the connection between his brain and mouth did not work. How long had he sat here, trying to get the words out? 

Bashir leaned forward a little and looked him in the eye. 

‘You know, nothing you tell me will leave this room. You can talk to me in complete confidence.’ 

Jake nodded. He knew that, of course. That was why he was here. He looked away and clasped his hands hard. He thought that if he stayed quiet long enough, Bashir would lose patience with him and tell him to leave, and he wouldn’t have to talk to him. 

But this sat like a big stone inside his chest, and he needed to get it out. 

‘I…’ He looked at the cuticles on his fingers. Speaking up was difficult. ‘I’m gay.’ 

He heard Bashir shift. When Jake looked over at him, he saw that he had leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. He was smiling. 

‘Is this the first time you told anyone?’ 

Jake nodded. He leaned back in his chair, feeling shaky. 

‘I felt I should tell my dad first,’ he said. ‘But…’ He shrugged. ‘I was thinking that you were really nice last time I was here, and I thought… perhaps I could tell you.’ 

Bashir smiled. 

‘Of course you could,’ he said. ‘Thank you, for the confidence.’ 

Jake felt his throat hurting, and tears pricked his eyes. He turned away and tried to blink them away. Vaguely, he heard Bashir turning to retrieve something. Then a box of tissues was placed on the table beside them. Jake took one, wiped his eyes and started folding it up. They sat in silence for a while. 

‘Should I tell my dad?’ Jake asked. 

‘Do you want to?’ 

Jake bit his lip. 

‘Yes. It’s just… scary.’ 

‘I can understand that. But, as I’m sure you know, he loves you very much.’ 

‘Do I have to do it?’ 

‘No,’ Bashir said. ’Not unless you want to.’ 

‘What if he’s disappointed?’ 

‘I don’t think he would be,’ Bashir said. ‘And if he is, he is wrong to be.’ 

‘He teases me about girls a lot,’ Jake said. 

‘I’m sorry. That can’t be easy.’ 

Jake twisted the tissue in his hands a few times. 

‘What do I do?’ 

‘You have to decide that,’ Bashir said kindly. ‘But you don’t have to tell your dad anything before you feel comfortable doing it. This is not about him. It’s about you.’ 

Jake swallowed. 

‘Okay.’ 

They sat in silence for a while. Finally, Jake shifted and put the tissue in his pocket. 

‘I should go,’ he said. ‘I need to study.’ 

Bashir got to his feet only after Jake did. 

‘You know where to find me, if you need to chat,’ he said and patted him on the shoulder. Jake smiled, thanked him and left. He felt like he might start crying again. At least now, it was from relief.

***

He had already made up his mind about his next move, but it took him another week to build up the courage. He had checked the duty rosters to make sure he caught her at the right time. Five minutes after the end of her shift, Jake was at her door. When Dax came around the corner, she stopped, surprised to see him there.

‘Jake!’   
‘Hi, Dax. Could I come in?’ 

She stood frozen for a moment, staring at him. Then she snapped back to attention. 

‘Of course, of course. Come on in.’ 

She unlocked the door and they stepped inside.

‘Would you like something?’ she asked, heading for the replicator. 

‘Okay.’ 

‘Tea?’ 

‘Sure.’ 

‘Computer,’ Dax said. ‘One black hole and one red-leaf tea.’ 

The replicator calculated, and soon a square glass and a steaming mug stood where there had been nothing. She picked them both up. 

‘Come on, let’s sit down.’ 

He took a seat on the couch and took the tea from her. Dax gripped her glass with her fingertips and swirled the contents. Then she took a large mouthful and smacked her lips. 

‘Say whatever you want about these replicators, but they make a good black hole.’ 

‘It smells like liquorice,’ Jake said. 

‘It doesn’t taste like it. It’s more like…’ She searched for the words. ‘I don’t know. I’ll buy you one when you have your birthday. You can taste it for yourself.’ She took a smaller sip and put the glass aside, to Jake’s relief on the other side of the table. ‘It’s good to see you, Jake. It’s been a while.’ 

‘Yeah.’ He took a sip of the tea. 

‘How’s school?’ 

‘It’s alright.’ 

‘And how’s Rayna?’ 

Jake put his hands around the mug and stared at them. 

‘We broke up.’ 

Dax sat forward. 

‘Jake, I’m so sorry.’ 

‘No, it’s not…’ He wanted to explain, but his throat was growing tight. This was different from telling Bashir. Words spoken in the infirmary were closely guarded secrets. Here, they mattered. Now that he imagined how this would go, he could only see the worst possible scenario. ‘Dax, do you think…’ 

Speaking felt impossible. Jadzia moved to sit beside him. 

‘Do I think what, Jake?’ 

He bit his lip. 

‘Hey, it’s okay.’ She grabbed his shoulder and gave it a little shake. All he could think was that it was the kind of thing his dad would do. He started crying. 

‘What if it’s not?’ 

Jadzia put her arm around him, gentler now.

‘Talk to me,’ she said. ‘What’s up?’

He took a deep breath. It felt so foolish. 

‘Do you think dad will…’

‘Will what?’ 

‘I dunno.’ His voice was shaking enough that he struggled to form the words. ‘Be angry or hate me or something…’ 

‘Why would he do that?’ 

He bit his lip, hard. 

‘If I’m gay.’ 

Dax’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. 

‘Of course he wouldn’t! He’d love you no matter what.’ She looked at him earnestly. ‘Is that what this is about?’

He looked away and nodded. He did not see the hug coming. It felt a little like being smothered, but he hugged her back, hard. 

‘We all love you, Jake,’ she said. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

She let go of him, and he dried his tears on his sleeve. 

‘I suppose it’s stupid,’ Jake said. Dax frowned. 

‘Being gay?’ 

‘No! I mean…’ He wrung his hands. ‘Thinking dad might be upset.’ 

Dax shrugged. 

‘A little, maybe,’ she said. ‘But when you have something big to tell someone, it can be scary. I remember when I – I mean, when Tobin told his parents. He was terrified.’ 

‘Were they okay with it?’ 

‘Oh yes,’ Dax said. ‘They were fine with it. They weren’t that surprised.’ 

‘Do you think my dad will be surprised?’ 

‘Hm.’ Dax thought about it. ‘I don’t know. I’m not particularly surprised. But Ben is sometimes not very good at seeing what’s in front of him.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Jake took a sip of tea. It made him feel a little better. ‘He just says stuff like “we need to have a _real discussion_ about women”.’ Dax laughed at his impression of his father. ‘He’s just _really_ sure I like girls. And yeah, I’ve dated girls, but…’ 

‘I get it,’ Dax said. ‘You should never have to defend your identity. If you’re gay, you’re gay, however many girls you’ve dated.’ 

Now, Jake smiled genuinely. That helped. 

‘Look,’ she said, leaning back. ‘Perhaps Ben will have to do some rethinking. That’s his problem. But he will never, ever not love you.’ 

Jake nodded. 

‘And,’ Dax added, ‘if you feel you need space, you can crash here.’ 

‘Thanks.’ He hesitated. ‘Dax?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Do you know what Ferengi feel about this?’ 

She puffed her cheeks up. 

‘To be honest, I have no idea. They’re pretty misogynistic, aren’t they? But then again…’ She shrugged, then made a compassionate grimace. ‘Are you thinking about Nog?’ 

Jake nodded. 

‘I just don’t want him not to be my friend anymore.’

Dax sighed. 

‘I can’t help you there,’ she said. ‘I could do some digging in the xeno-anthropology database…’ 

‘No, that’s okay,’ he said quickly. ‘I’ll do it myself.’ 

Dax smiled. 

‘Okay.’ She reached for her drink again. ‘So, I got hold of some old Earth films. Old fossil-fuel cars chasing each other and stuff. Want to watch one?’ 

Jake grinned. 

‘Sure.’

***

Weeks passed. Jake let himself get lost in other things - writing, school-work, cooking - and held the thought at bay. Then, slowly, the secret started to hurt, like an ember that began glowing again from only the smallest gust of air.

He was helping Chief O’Brien check the power-couplings in the habitat ring. Mostly that meant that Jake held the toolbox and handed him things. 

‘Decoupler, please.’ O’Brien, his head half-way into the bulkhead, put his arm out. Jake gave him the right tool. 

‘Hey, Chief?’ 

‘Uh-huh?’ O’Brien said from inside the hatch. 

‘When you enlisted in Starfleet, how did you tell your parents?’ 

He extracted himself for a moment. 

‘I only told them afterwards,’ he said. ‘Not my best move.’ He turned back and scanned the couplings. ‘Are you having second thoughts about Pentington?’ 

‘No,’ Jake said. ‘I still want to go.’ 

‘I think you should,’ O’Brien said. ‘That story you showed me was excellent. I’ve been thinking about it, actually. It made an impression.’ 

Jake smiled. 

‘Thanks.’ 

O’Brien put the tricorder in his belt and stuck his head into the bulkhead again. 

‘Give me a modulator, would you?’ 

Jake took it out of the toolbox and placed it in O’Brien’s outstretched hand. Just as he turned his attention back to the couplings, Jake said: 

‘I’m gay.’ 

He froze. Jake felt his stomach twist into a knot, but then O’Brien turned around and it undid itself. He was smiling, sympathetically. Putting down the modulator, he patted him on the shoulder. 

‘Not told your dad yet?’

‘No.’ He fiddled with the toolbox’s lock. ‘I’m going to, though. On Friday, I think.’ 

‘I hope it goes well. I mean, I’m sure it will.’ 

‘Thanks.’ 

O’Brien turned back to the bulkhead. Picking the modulator up again, he asked: 

‘So, are you dating anyone?’ As if he could hear Jake blushing, he looked over his shoulder and grinned. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to tease you.’ 

Jake smiled, despite the embarrassment. Perhaps this was going to be alright after all.

***

However much he reminded himself of what Dax, O’Brien and Bashir had said, Jake was still scared when Friday evening finally arrived. When he stepped into their quarters, everything seemed deceptively normal.

‘Jake!’ his father exclaimed. ‘Come over here – taste this.’ 

Jake crossed to the table where he had set up the hot-plates. He took the spoon Sisko offered him and tasted the stew. 

‘Mm.’ 

‘Needs more pepper?’ 

‘No, it’s good.’ 

‘Good. Can you set the table?’ 

‘Sure.’ 

Jake set out the plates and cutlery while he listened to his father signing under his breath. He had not seen him this happy for several weeks. He felt his stomach tie itself into a knot. 

‘Here we go!’ Sisko said and picked the pot off the hot-plate. Jake accepted the plate laden with stew. He was hungry, but his throat felt tight. Eating and talking both felt difficult. 

‘You’re in a good mood,’ he said. He would much rather listen than speak. 

‘Mm,’ Sisko hummed, being in the middle of a bite. He swallowed and dabbed his lips with his napkin. ‘We went an entire shift without a system failure today. First time for weeks.’ 

‘Chief O’Brien told me about it,’ Jake said. 

You’re still helping him out?’ 

‘Yeah.’ 

Sisko grinned. He might not mind Jake’s decision not to join Starfleet, but he still seemed to get a kick from the fact that his son was learning some engineering. 

‘And I heard from Kasidy today.’ 

‘Oh?’ 

‘She’ll be coming by the station in a week or so.’ 

‘Great.’ 

‘Apparently she got a recording of another one of her brother’s games. You should listen to it with us.’ 

‘Okay.’ 

Jake could feel his father watching him. He realised he had not said more than a few words at a time. Taking a deep breath, he put his cutlery down and looked Sisko in the eye. 

‘Dad, I need to tell you something.’ 

Sisko’s easy smile disappeared. He straightened up and leaned back. His face was blank but for a small crease between his eyebrows that betrayed that tension. 

‘You know I broke up with Rayna. I wasn’t really honest when I said we’d grown apart. We had, but…’ He wanted to look away, but he made himself concentrate on his father’s face. ‘The thing is, I’m gay.’ 

Sisko’s eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch. Then the tension fell from his face. 

‘Jake.’ He seemed to search for the words, but they did not come. Instead, he rose and rounded the table. He leaned down and enveloped his son in a tight hug. Jake hugged back, surprised by how hard he was being held. When he finally let go, Sisko crouched down beside his chair. There were tears in his eyes, but at the same time he was smiling.

‘Are you mad at me?’ Jake asked. Sisko laughed. 

‘Of course not!’ He put his hand against Jake’s cheek. ‘All this time I’ve just assumed…’ Sisko frowned. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said sincerely. 

Jake shrugged. 

‘It’s okay.’ 

‘It’s not,’ Sisko said. ‘You don’t have to pretend it is.’ 

Jake tried to figure out what to say. 

‘You didn’t know.’ 

‘Not much of an excuse.’ As if to show that he did not need any reassurance, he grinned and, standing up, kissed the top of his head. He took his glass from his place-setting and sat down on the same side as Jake. ‘So,’ he said. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ 

‘Sure.’ 

‘Is there anyone in the picture I should know about?’ 

‘No,’ Jake said. His appetite was returning, and turned to his food while his father hummed in understanding. 

‘How…’ Sisko made a vague hand-gesture. ‘Out in the open is this?’ 

‘It’s not really a secret,’ Jake said. Most of the senior staff knew by now. It wasn’t like it was anything that needed to be hidden, right?

It was like Jake saw the schematics of the station with the routes of gossip mapped out in bright colours. A throw-away comment here, a brief mention there – that was all it took. It would make its way to Quark’s, and from there…

‘Jake? Are you okay?’ 

He put down his cutlery. 

‘It’s a little bit of a secret.’ 

Sisko nodded. 

‘Okay.’ He smiled encouragingly. ‘I’ll keep it under my hat, then.’ 

Jake smiled back. 

‘Thanks, dad.’ Feeling he might cry now, he got up and hugged him. His dad hugged him back and rubbed his back, hushing him and telling him it was alright. Jake wanted to believe him, but he still did not have an answer to the question he had asked Dax. With his dad, he knew through common sense and logic that however difficult the conversation might turn out to be it would be alright in the long run. With Nog, he did not know, and even during this moment of relief, that ignorance ate away at him.

***

Jake leaned against the bannister of the upper-level, looking down at the people below.

‘I wonder how many hours you and I spent hanging around up here,’ he said. 

‘Two thousand, one hundred and forty seven,’ Nog said quickly. Catching sight of Jake’s surprised face, he said: ‘Just kidding. But it was a lot.’ 

Jake smiled. 

‘You know, aside from playing _dom-jot_ and watching the Bajoran transports dock, it seems like we spent most of our time doing nothing.’ 

‘Maybe so,’ Nog said, ‘but I can’t think of anyone I’d rather do nothing with than you.’ 

He smiled so that his teeth showed and his eyes lit up. Jake grinned back. 

‘Same here.’ 

The moment was broken by someone calling:

‘Nog!’

Nog turned. Doctor Bashir and Chief O’Brien were approaching. 

‘Doctor, if you’re trying to return something from the sale…’ 

O’Brien interrupted him. 

‘It’s a going-away present.’ 

‘To help you get around easier on Earth,’ Bashir added and handed over a case. Nog opened it. 

‘A guidebook?’ 

‘It’s not just a guidebook,’ O’Brien said. ‘It's a completely interactive program detailing Earth’s customs, culture, history, geography.’ 

‘Everything you ever wanted to know about Earth is right in that PADD.’ 

‘You mean it'll teach me how to attract human females?’ Nog said, so deadpan that O’Brien did not seem quite sure if it was a joke or not. Bashir laughed. 

‘Well, almost everything.’ 

‘I’m sure it’ll come in handy,’ Nog said. ‘Thank you.’ He looked at the present for another moment. ‘I’d better get going. My father and Uncle Quark are waiting for me.’ 

Both men shook Nog’s hand and said their farewells. When they passed, Bashir nodded and smiled at Jake. O’Brien smiled too and winked. Jake looked after them. They were already deep in conversation. He turned back to Nog. 

‘I’ll walk you over to the airlock.’ 

They made their way down the spiral staircase, across the promenade and into the cross-bridge. They walked slowly and did not say much. Jake wished the ship was docked at one of the pylons instead of the docking-port. That would have been a longer walk. Nog was looking around, as if he was trying to commit the place to memory. Jake watched his friend’s profile, his own hands, the carpet. He could not stall any longer. 

‘Nog?’ 

Nog stopped and looked up at him. 

‘Before you go, I’ve been meaning to say…’ 

He held up a hand, silencing him. 

‘Jake.’ 

_He’s going to tell me he doesn’t have time to have a long conversation, and I won’t be able to say it…_

‘Is this about that you’re gay?’ 

Jake stared. 

‘You know?’ 

Nog rolled his eyes. 

‘Of course I do. I’ve known for ages. I’m not as stupid as I look.’ He patted him on the arm and grinned. ‘Come on. You said you’d walk me all the way to the airlock.’ 

This was not how he had expected it to go. Finding his footing again, he smiled. 

‘Alright.’


End file.
